How to Open Any Conversation

Johnny T. Nguyen at NASA talks

I’m sitting in Starbucks with earbuds in, writing intently on my computer. Even when I’m in line waiting to order, I’m prob on my phone trying to make use of those few minutes. (In fact, that was my advice on how to be next-level productive with dead time!) What I’m saying now is that there’s a time and place to be available, to be in the moment, and maybe that moment calls for small talk.

Why Small-Talk is Important

“We are social creatures, and loneliness is a symptom of something being wrong. When you’re hungry, that’s your body telling you that you need to eat. When you’re tired, your body is telling you that you need sleep. And when you’re lonely, that’s actually your body telling you that you need to connect.” — Psychologist and How To Be Yourself author Ellen Hendriksen, PhD

Seventy six percent of people showed serious signs of loneliness based on results from a UCLA questionnaire. Highly lonely people were more likely to be single, live alone and have a personal income less than $35,000.

“Numbers of people who do live alone and work remotely are both growing. For these demographics specifically, a spontaneous conversation with a person behind them in the grocery-store checkout line might be the only audible conversation they have all day.”

Lack of human connection is also making us more socially awkward. I recently watched an SNL skit where the characters were speaking almost entirely in social media shorthand and that might actually be a sign of things to come!

Lastly, I listened to the Hidden Brain’s podcast episode on “Guys, We Have A Problem: How American Masculinity Creates Lonely Men” and it really struck me how in our culture, we may be promoting counter-productive ideals, such as men shouldn’t cry and women are expected to be sole emotional support for partner. One person can’t be everything; we need a group of people. And small-talk is just opening the door to the possibility.

How the Best Managers Use Conversation

“Researchers found managers who provide constant feedback to their direct reports is not as effective. In fact, it’s counterproductive.” — Curt Nickisch

As a leader, I’ve been taught to give feedback often and make it timely. Now research is telling us that’s not the best type of boss. So, what is the best and how does having conversations have to do with it? Simply put, it’s not about telling people what to do, it’s about talking to people to understand what needs to be done.

Here’s two possible reasons:

• Right around 2008, around the great recession, a lot of companies were delayering to cut costs, so taking out levels of middle managers. As the economy began to grow again, companies were not replacing that middle management layer. So managers had to manage through more people, they had to manage more overall, they had much bigger spans of control.
• Unpredictability of work today. Digitalization and how that has impacted changes in skills, automation replacing a lot of types of work today, and work is on shorter time horizons and managers have to adjust their workflows a lot more frequently.

The most important type of person in the workplace now is “the connector manager.”

• Employee connection — Get to know people at a deeper level, their motivations, their interests, their goals, their development areas. Focus on asking the right kinds of questions to get underneath the surface.
• Team connection — Create an environment so that team members can develop one another. Also, people come in with a lot of different skill sets and so the manager identifies individual differences.
• Organization connection — Help navigate to find the right skills or expertise outside of themselves.

So what deep revelation will you learn about your teammates today?

Experts Weigh In on the Best Conversations

There are SO MANY articles out there on how to be a great conversationalist. That’s because fundamentally, we are afraid to have conversations, and that’s because we are afraid to open ourselves up to rejection or have insecurities about being uninteresting. The answer might be to drink more Dos Equis with the Most Interesting Man in the World (who was hilariously sent on a one-way trip to Mars narrated to, “His only regret is not knowing what regret feels like.”), but more likely, it’s to be brave and have those conversations.

• Listen more than they talk — Average person talks at about 225 words per minute, but can listen at up to 500 words per minute, said Headlee. “So our minds are filling in those other 275 words and it takes effort and energy to actually pay attention to someone.”
• “It is not about you. You don’t need to take that moment to prove how amazing you are or how much you’ve suffered. Conversations are not a promotional opportunity.” — Celeste Headlee of TED Talk
• Admit what you don’t know — That’s means being ok with insecurity
• Look for cues — How many times have we talked to someone who doesn’t get the hint that it’s boring? Don’t be that person!
• Keith Ferrazzi is an expert at meaningful small talk, and creating what he calls “instant intimacy” — great way to quickly share important, deep moments with people that may have been strangers to you 10 minutes ago.
• Ask deep questions — The reason the weather question is so boring is because it doesn’t mean anything — it’s a shallow topic.
• “Be bold in getting beyond pleasantries to introduce high interest topics likely to enliven a conversation,” — Suzanne Bates, author of All the Leader You Can Be, the Science of Achieving Extraordinary Executive Presence.
• “Good conversations require a give and take, just like keeping a ball in the air during a game of catch. When someone directs a question your way–when the ball is thrown to you–you should always respond with an answer that will continue the flow of dialogue, passing the ball back and never letting it drop.” says Anne Green, president and CEO of CooperKatz & Company.

Meditation vs. Conversation

Like anybody who’s in the know, I get my authoritative source of facts from Reddit. While perusing the boards, I came across a post by user trauma_gland, where he writes that because of meditation, he’s found himself even quieter in conversations. He says that’s because meditation teaches you to disconnect, and in doing so he has less opinions.

Similarly, we may have gotten the advice that we should be doing more listening than talking. But wait, a conversation is at least a 2-way activity, right?!

“I’ve been teaching meditation for many years and… in many ways it’s a lot like having a conversation with yourself, your own mind (and) identity,” Sakyong Mipham said to Rewire.

I don’t think I’ve achieve Mipham’s level of meditation, but I am getting decent at observing my thoughts and letting them go, returning to focusing on the moment. In this case, focusing on the person doing the talking.

Perhaps the important effect of meditation is: “Mindfulness helps you move away from being self-centred. It allows you to properly concentrate on conversation as an exchange. I would bet a lot of people who practice mindfulness find it easier to really listen and empathise with someone they are talking to.” — said Reddit user who is now deleted

My Advice On How to Open Any Conversation

Johnny T. Nguyen

We might feel awkward or unable to open a conversation with a stranger. Maybe we even lie to ourselves by saying we’re not in the mood and instead, get on social media. The truth is, we can do it and below I outline some of my own personal advice.

• Don’t multi-task. It’s a myth anyways. How often do you walk into a meeting or room and immediately open your laptop or check messages on your phone? Don’t do it. Just sit there, look around, and make yourself open to opportunity. #BePresent
• Think of small-talk as necessary. YOU might think small-talk is dumb, but other people are also nervous to talk and be vulnerable with a stranger. So use small talk as a “social lubricant” to make it easier for them. #SmallTalk
• Convince yourself that what’s interesting to you is probably interesting to them. So ask them questions that you would find interesting. “Why did you come here of all places?” “What are you hoping to get out of being here?” “So, what’s the best part of your job/life?” Ask the one-layer deeper questions that makes them think and you would be interested in. #OneLayerDeeper
• While they talk, picture what life must have been like for them. That’s right, imagine not only what their day is like, but where that person came from. I know it’s making up stories, but it’s a way to be completely empathetic and through the conversation, we can dial-in on knowing this person better. #DialingIn

References

1. Why “Connector” Managers Build Better Talent by Curt Nickisch
2. Actually, Casual Conversations are Legitimately Helpful for Keeping You Healthy by Emily Laurence
3. 3 in 4 Americans Struggle With Loneliness by Dennis Thompson
4. Guys, We Have A Problem: How American Masculinity Creates Lonely Men, Hidden Brain podcast by Shankar Verdantam
5. Six Habits of The Best Conversationalists by Stephanie Vozza
6. How To Become A Great Conversationalist
7. What Meditation and Conversation Have in Common By Katie Moritz
8. Has mindfulness made you a better conversationalist? Reddit conversation
9. A Meditation Teacher Taught Me Meaningful Conversations Take Bravery by Julio Rivera
10. Six Ways To Be A Great Conversationalist by Jill Griffin
11. Think Small Talk Is Meaningless? Think Again. Keith Ferrazzi Breaks Down 3 Ways to Do It Right